The Best Marriage Advice From A Divorced Man


Divorce. It happens for tough reasons and it is one of the toughest things many people will go through. And really, choosing to share your life with someone is, in most cases, done out of pure love. Leaving that person hurts, no matter the reason for doing so.

Of course, no happily married couple would like to think of going through such tough times. Losing the love of your life is a separation which will invariably take a part of you away. However, things can get so bad, that sometimes divorce is a thing you have to go through.

Gerald Rogers, a psychologist who went through such though divorce, shared some beautiful advice every married couple needs to read. “After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I could have had…” he starts.

Although the post is originally intended for men, this message should go to both partners, as these are things that both partners need to nurture in their relationship – a relationship is a mutual thing.


Your relationship started with courting, dating, doing everything to show your loved one that you are the person who they need in your life. Why get lazy once you get married? The romance should continue, and remain permanent.

Don’t forget that when you made the vows, you promised each other that you would own each other’s hearts and fiercely protect them. As Rogers says, “This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with.”


If you can’t love yourself fully, it will be even harder to love your partner wholly. Rogers puts it beautifully when he says, “Love yourself fully, love the world openly.” But never forget that your heart holds a special place for your partner nobody should get even close to.

Keep that place reserved for that one person you share your life with, “ready to receive” and invite him/her in, “and refuse anyone or anything else enter there.” Loving yourself means you should never betray your heart and with that the love of your life.


Change is the only constant. Your personality will change drastically in the years to come, and it’s natural. “You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today,” explains Rogers.

In that change, you will need to re-choose your love every day. Note that your partner isn’t obliged to stay with you at all costs – you should fight for their love and deserve it with every new day. If you don’t keep on winning your love’s heart back, you might eventually lose their love.


Nobody is perfect. Focusing on the best in your partner will only make those qualities grow and become even more beautiful. “If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love.”

The opposite will happen if you keep on focusing on what bugs you, and you can always find things like that. If you focus on this kind of things, all you will see is reasons to be irritated.

“Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you will know without a doubt that you are the luckiest [person] on earth” to have such a partner for your spouse.


It’s not your job to do that. If you try to fix or change your partner, they will notice that you don’t love them for who they are. How would you feel if your partner wants to ‘fix’ you?

Your job is to love your partner the way they are, with no expectations of what they would or should become. If they change, love what they become, no matter if that’s what you wanted or not.


You should know that happiness is an attitude and that no partner can make you happy or sad. Your outlook on life will define what makes you happy or sad, and that same outlook will eventually start categorizing your partner’s behavior as one that ‘makes’ you happy or sad.

The truth is that, as Rogers puts it, “you are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that, your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.”


If you get frustrated or angry at your partner, it’s only because it’s triggering something inside of YOU. These are your emotions, and thus your responsibility. The interesting thing about choosing your life partner is that they will be here to heal your past.

So, when you feel those feelings, “take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed,” says Rogers. “You were attracted to this [person] because [he/she] was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them.”


When your love is sad or upset, your job is to hold him/her and let them know it’s ok – it’s not your job to try to fix it. Everybody goes through such periods, and this is an internal process that requires their own reasoning and strength to go through it.

Your job as their life partner is to help them gather the strength they need. Don’t run away when he/she is upset. In fact, you need to let them know that you aren’t going anywhere and that you will be here to listen and give your supporting love and emotions.


Who told you that you must be serious all the time? That ‘grown-up’ trait is the key to monotony and dullness. Be silly, laugh, make your partner laugh. “Laughter makes everything else easier.”


Learn what makes them feel loved and make sure you do those things every day. You are the one who can make those things, and nobody else can or should. Ergo, it should be your priority to make your partner feel like the center of your universe – every day.


Don’t give your partner only your time – give them your focus, attention, and your soul. Whatever you do during the day, when you are with your spouse, clear your head and be fully with him/her.


Men, carry your woman away with your masculinity, “let her melt into her feminine softness, as she knows she can trust you fully.”

Women, be the gentle and soft presence in his life, as your gentleness and mild temper will encourage him to feel the way a man wants to feel next to a woman.


“And don’t be afraid of being one either.” Just as Robert explains, mistakes are natural, and you will make them. The thing is that you should try “not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make.”

“You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try not to be too stupid.”


If you love someone, and they love you back, you will do everything for them. One of those things is giving your partner some space for themselves. You and your partner need your personal space to “renew and get re-centered,” especially after you have kids.


You can never have it all together, and you don’t have to. In fact, you should allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of your partner and acknowledge your mistakes.


Mutual trust is based on sharing everything, “especially those things you don’t want to share.” You need to fully open your heart and let the other person in, even if you’re unsure if they will like what they find there.

It does take courage, as we all have something we are afraid to show about ourselves. But if you feel like you’re wearing a mask around your partner, you will never experience love completely.


“Find common goals, dreams, and visions to work towards.” Otherwise, stagnation breeds destruction and entropy. Just as Rogers puts it, “The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool.”


Instead of fighting over the lack of money, you should work together to find ways to win it. “It never helps when teammates fight,” so figure some ways out to leverage each other’s strength to win.


Instead of holding the grudge over trivial things, be aware that there is something greater than any of those silly quarrels that want to ruin it – it’s love. Focus on the future and don’t drag the weight of the past behind you.

“Forgiveness is freedom.” So, let go of the things that are already in the past, and focus on how to learn from that history and create a brighter future.


Whatever you do, do it out of love and for love. “This is the guiding principle through which all your choices are governed.” Whatever happens, know that you are together for a greater feeling, a stronger purpose than anything else combined. That feeling and purpose are love.

“Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.”



See also: 

5 Signs You Are Unknowingly Destroying Your Wife And Killing Your Marriage

It’s tough being a man these days. Modern men are expected to be sensitive, caring and in tune with their feelings; while at the same time they’re still expected to be strong, protectors and able to fix anything that breaks. Men can’t be too sensitive or they’re not being good enough protectors. On the other hand, they can’t be too protective or else they’re not being sensitive enough.

As men, we try to navigate this balance between being caring and being strong. And because it can be such a fine line, there are a lot of times we fail. And there are things we do that are hurting our wives and killing our marriages. Here are five:

1. Not providing the basics for the family

As a man, it is your responsibility to provide for your family, regardless of whether or not your wife works. Sometimes this means working a few overtime shifts so your kids can sign up for that baseball league. And sometimes this means biting your lip when your boss is being a jerk because you need the stability for your family. But it makes it all worth it when you come home at night and see the smiles on everyone’s face.

2. Pessimism

Ever since you were a kid, you were taught to, “Man up,” and, “Don’t cry,” just to accept the fact that bad things just happen in life. While this is good advice sometimes, your wife also needs you to be an optimist. Your relationship will need to rally from all kinds of challenges, failures, hurt feelings and health problems. Your wife doesn’t need someone to tell her to stop crying, she needs a shoulder to cry on.

3. With holding physical affection

Yes, men do this, too. Physical affection is more than just sex. It includes giving her hugs before you leave for work, holding her hand in the aisle at the grocery store and pulling her close to you when you’re watching a movie on the couch together. If you’re withholding these things from her, you’re withholding physical affection that she thrives on. The affection you try to show inside the bedroom will never make up for the physical affection you show her outside the bedroom.

4. Putting other things first

Of the hundreds of girls you knew and dozens that you dated, your wife was the one you picked to spend the rest of your life with. She needs to know that you still pick her. Every time you check your smartphone when you’re out together or every time you come home late from work without calling you’re sending her a message that she’s not important to you. Consequently, she wonders if you still care about her as much as when you first got married.

Your work is important, but don’t forget what you’re working for. Remember that there’s nothing on your phone that’s more important than what’s going on right around you.

5. Not speaking her language

Women need to know they are loved and that you are grateful for her. You think you’re showing love by going to work every day and bringing home a paycheck, so most of the time you don’t do much more than that (except maybe on Valentine’s Day).

But, she needs more than that to see your love and she needs you to show her that you’re doing it all for her. So take a little extra time and do something special. Send her a couple texts during the day or bring her home some flowers from the grocery store. You might be surprised at the reaction you get.